1. The best way to get over a man is to get under a few
2. Just keep responding “What?” until the problem goes away. Or at least stops texting you.
3. If someone is reckless with your heart, it’s alright to be reckless with theirs. Preferably by fucking their best friend.
4. If you black back in during an unwanted shack, it’s OK to say you’re going to the bathroom and then just leaving.
5. If someone blows you off, it’s only fair you respond to their afterhour booty text (or call for those less fortunate) by extending an invitation over, and then locking the door, turning off your phone, and going to sleep. Works best with longer distances and colder weather.
If my boyfriend really loved me, he’d buy me this $155 necklace. Just sayin’.
For all questions in life, one must only turn to foul bachelor frog.
Probably the only other person who reads my tumblr.
Hated it. But what can one expect when one goes in to what SHOULD have been a cinematic masterpiece with close to almost impossible expectations. So it was written by Tim Burton - not preferable, but he’s had some decent material. Johnny Depp - completely unnecessary.
Instead of bitching and rambling on at the risk of repetition and going in circles, I will let this gem of a newspaper clipping explain all of MY ideas/feelings, in someone else’s words. So rare to find someone who thinks EXACTLY as you do… Must be love <3
Northwest Herald Sidetracks
Thursday, March 4th, 2010
Written by Jeffrey Westhoff (MARRY ME)
Film versions of “Alice in Wonderland” are nearly as old as film itself, yet after 100-plus years no one has delivered a satisfying version of Lewis Carroll’s two little books.
If any director were to break the only losing streak longer than the Cubs’, it should have been Tim Burton, especially with his frequent partner in jest Johnny Depp playing the Mad Hatter.
From “Pee-wee’s Big Adventure” to “Edward Scissorhands” to his unsung masterpiece “Big Fish,” no director has brought the dreams and nightmares of childhood to the screen more vividly or meaningfully than Burton. Carroll’s linguistic japery has eluded many filmmakers, but surely Burton would be in tune with the darker side of the books’ humor.
The answer would be a resounding, shattering and soul-crushing “No!” Despite its inventive special effects, Burton’s version of “Alice in Wonderland” may be the most dismal. He gives us an “Alice” that’s all darkness, no humor.
A refresher course is in order to explain why Carroll’s “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” and its sequel, “Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There,” have bedeviled filmmakers. The many characters may be vivid and instantly recognizable from John Tenniel’s illustrations, but Carroll’s humor is mostly verbal. His puns, poetry and puzzles don’t translate well to the visual medium of film.
And then there’s the matter of story. The books don’t really have one. Alice has no Yellow Brick Road to follow, no wizard to meet, no lesson about home to learn. She moves through a series of encounters with strange characters in her dreamscapes until she wakes up. By not giving Alice an arc, Carroll befuddled generations of screenwriters. She remained aloof as a screen heroine, even in Disney’s 1951 animated version.
Screenwriter Linda Woolverton tries to avoid these problems by making this “Alice in Wonderland” a quasi-sequel to Carroll’s books (once again mashed together into a single tale). Alice (Mia Wasikowska), now 19, plummets to Wonderland again a decade or so after her first visit.
Familiar characters (most CGI or CGI-enhanced) such as the Hatter, the White Rabbit, Tweedledee and Tweedledum, etc., have awaited her return because she is – get this – the Chosen One who will slay the Jabberwock with the Vorpal Sword on the Frabjous Day as prophesied in a certain poem. Then the downtrodden denizens of Underland (its real name) will be free to overthrow the tyrannical Red Queen (Helena Bonham Carter) and restore the sweet White Queen (Anne Hathaway) to the throne.
Essentially, Woolverton has turned Wonderland – er, Underland – into Narnia, and twisted the tale into another version of “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” with Carroll’s beloved characters drafted as warriors. Forget any satire on Victorian values, this “Alice” is a standard fantasy epic with CGI battles designed to sell those premium 3D movie tickets. James Cameron avoided traditional 3D trickery in “Avatar,” but Burton lobs many things at the camera, including teacups, hats and hedgehogs pretending to be croquet balls.
At the very least, Burton’s version of “Alice” should have been a visual delight, but it is a visual drudge.
Many of the scenes are murky, a terrible decision when the audience must watch the film wearing dark glasses. Most of the characters have one disfigurement too many. Depp’s DayGlo green contact lenses have different sized irises, which are so creepy and distracting that his hammy performance can’t penetrate the barrier.
The most inventive special effects involve Alice’s changing size. She can be taller than a giant or shorter than a blade of glass. The sight of the oversized Alice sharing the screen with Bonham Carter’s Red Queen, whose Photoshopped head has been inflated like a party balloon, is the film’s only marvelous moment.
Bonham Carter’s performance is the sole source of acting delight, too. Every “Off with his head!” is a kick. Depp overacts even more than he did as Willy Wonka, and Hathaway plays the White Queen the same way Caroline Jones played Morticia Addams.
Burton’s “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” misfired because he loved the source material too much. His “Alice” collapses because he doesn’t love the source material at all. His personal stamp is missing. On “Alice” he is a director for hire, helping the Disney empire repurpose one of its animated properties and reinforce its 3D bulkhead.
The idea of this being a sequel to Carroll’s works falls flat immediately because Alice remembers her previous visit only as a vague dream. The Narnification of Wonderland might have worked if Woolverton and Burton had approached it with even an iota of humor. Alice hits the bottom of the rabbit hole with a thud in a fantasy lacking personality and wit. An “Alice” without wit is utter nonsense.
It’s 4:16am and I’m SO bored I’ve rediscovered tumblr.
Can’t sleep, for obvious reasons - clowns will eat me.
Stress of not being an Asian male has really began to cramp my style. Why can’t I find a job. I graduated with a degree in Actuarial Science from the University of Illinois. Why are things not falling into my lap like I was half hoping/expecting.
I’ve passed two actuarial exams in the last year. English is my first language. I’ll analyze risk while wearing low cut shirts to work; Jesus Christ just fucking hire me.
- 6 ice cubes
- 1 cup very vanilla soymilk
- 1 banana
Blend. Serve. Repeat.